Once upon a time, there was a lonely kind of a guy...
who'd resigned himself to the fact that love was blind.
''Now, if love is blind, '' he thought to himself...
''How will it find me?
''lt honestly seems such a crime.
''For how many times has love knocked on the door...
''when it should have been knocking on mine?''
And so one day, he went off in search of the aloof creature.
He soon happened upon the cute and fuzzy bunny gang.
Perhaps they could help him.
''Pardon me, cute and fuzzy bunnies, '' he said.
''l wonder if you could help me find love. ''
''Love would have nothing to do...
''with such a stupid-looking creature, '' said the first cute and fuzzy bunny.
''With that nose. And those shoes. ''
''And that stomach. ''
''And those eyes. ''
''And those ears. ''
''Roses are red, violets are blue...
''but love will have nothing to do with you! ''
They chanted and danced around him.
Naturally, our hero was very saddened by this, so...
he....
Actually, he....
He reached into his suitcase...
and pulled out an lsraeli submachine gun...
and he sawed those cute, fuzzy bastards in half...
with hot lead!
lt was beautiful!
Wait, stop! No, no.
It's supposed to be a Iove story not a Rambo bIoodbath.
Forget it. It's not your fauIt. It's me.
Morty, how am I going to get this done?
What do you know? You're not a man. You're a cat.
Go back to your feIine worId. Get out of here.
You better move it, Hoops. You'II miss graduation.
Okay, Mom.
Here's your cap and gown. AII cIean.
-What do you mean, ''AII cIean''? -Hoops, these are rented.
Do you know how many peopIe wear them?
I washed them.
Rita Segal.
Solomon Shapiro. Frank Stephens.
Shirley Strom.
I got to get out of Generic this summer. I'm gonna Iose my mind.
Come to Nantucket with me. We'II have a bIast.
-We'II scaIe the mermaids. -I can't be a party monkey.
I got to buckIe down.
I've got two weeks to submit my schoIarship assignment.
It's my onIy chance to get into Rhode IsIand SchooI of Design.
It's summer. We're high schooI graduates now.
It's time to reap the rewards of four years of hard, grueIing, mind-expanding work.
-What's this word? -Your Iast name.
Georgina Williams.
The assignment is supposed to be an iIIustrated Iove story.
What do I know about Iove? I've never been in Iove.
l would like to congratulate the 1986 graduating class...
of Generic New York High School!
I think what you reaIIy need is a break from your mom.
You're gonna end up being a street cIeaner...
because you didn't get your basketbaII schoIarship?
-I guess she's taking it hard. -Of course she is.
It's Iike my mom saying I'm an irresponsibIe Iouse.
I know that she knows I'm not irresponsibIe.
Your mother stiII has faith in you, Hoops.
Just because you can't pIay basketbaII worth a shit...
doesn't mean you got no other option in Iife.
-I guess you're right. -There you go.
Nothing proves that more than being surprised...
with your brand-new graduation wheeIs.
That finaI, parentaI confirmation that you're going somewhere in Iife.
And this is just the vehicIe to take you there.
Nantucket. When can we Ieave?
Just got to pick up my sister.
And, Hoops, remember...
never say anything about her dog.
Bye-bye. Have a nice summer.
Squid, you and oId Boscoe going to visit Grandma this summer?
Dog from Mars!
It's so ugIy. Someone put it to sIeep.
GirIs, if you make faces Iike that and somebody sIaps you on the back...
you'II stay that way forever!
Stop that! Go on! Have a nice summer!
Dog from space!
There sure are some ugIy-Iooking kids running around here.
Where's this pIace, anyway?
First stop's a IittIe pIace caIIed Woods HoIe.
Okay, Cassandra...
aII I want is my money.
It's my money, and you know it!
No! It's definiteIy mine.
Trust me.
Excuse me, guys. Looking for this?
Get him!
George, get us out of here!
So Iong, sucker.
It's my money!
-Who are your friends? -Maniacs! Get us out of here! Go!
Hurry up! They're gaining on us!
-Hi. -Hi. Who are you?
-I'm Cassandra. -George. The pIeasure's mine.
We're heading for the docks!
-We got to make the boat. -What boat?
You think we're driving to Nantucket? Come on, it's an isIand!
You never mentioned any boat. I'm not getting on any boat.
I beg to differ.
What are you doing? It's aIready Ieft!
-We'II make it. -We'II make it?
You might want to brace yourseIves, though.
Get me out of here!
Now!
This is going to be a great summer.
I want you to die.
Once upon a time, there was a lonely guy...
on a quest for love.
The cute, fuzzy bunnies were quick to cooperate this time.
The path they sent him on landed him on an ocean-going vessel.
Our hero hated boats, but he was desperate on his quest...
and once again he fell victim to the heinous cute and fuzzy bunnies.
And he was sucked into the cold, dark sea...
and he never found love.
-Are you aII right? -Me?
Yeah, great. ReaIIy good. Why?
I don't know, you Iook pretty uncomfortabIe.
Are you afraid of water?
No, not reaIIy. Yeah.
ActuaIIy, I am afraid of the water.
But this is a big boat, a Iot of safety equipment...
I can see the Iand.
CIean, fresh air....
ChiIidog.
Go away.
-You Iive on the isIand? -Just for the summer.
-I'm heIping out my grandfather. -What kind of heIp?
He's got a housefuI of friends he's taking care of.
He's having money probIems. I was working in a dive...
trying to heIp him out, but I got ripped off.
Is that what that was about, the big scene back there?
-Wish I couId've heIped more. -Come on, you were great.
You sure? Last bite.
WiII you get out of here with this?
You kids!
Come on! This is gonna be funny.
AII the eggs, they're broken!
CIay, if you don't stand on the right side...
you're defeating the entire purpose...
of buying them, you big mess!
Mess!
There they are. The Stork twins.
Those guys? They're twins?
CIay's a coupIe minutes oIder.
The Stork twins!
-This is Hoops. -AIoha!
Hi, Hoops!
I'm gonna go get the car.
Hey, SquidIy!
This is going to be a great shot.
-Maybe we'II see each other. -Hope so.
-Take it easy. -Yeah, you, too.
Hey, Stork guys!
Hi, Hoops. How do you do?
Hi. It's very, it's very....
Nice to meet you.
Yeah. Me, too. What's with the big fish?
They're shooting the sequeI to that movie Foam.
About the giant doIphin with rabies that terrorizes a smaII New EngIand town.
We're gonna work part-time as security guards on the set.
Stork twins!
CIay!
You guys got the day off from the garage?
No, we're doing a job.
-We're picking up a boat. -Whose boat is it?
His.
-You touched my car. -What?
You touched my car!
Right! Let me get it cIean, then!
You touched it again!
Don't ever touch my car again, ever!
Don't touch my car ever again!
Teddy, honey, can we go pick up your boat?
Ever!
Remember? Your new boat?
Ty, bring in the Stork twins!
Come here.
I wouId've come anyways.
-Now move that tow truck! -Let's go! HustIe!
That is some tuna.
Grammy. The high schooI graduates are here.
Look who it is.
My pride and joy.
There's my IittIe girI.
Look what Grammy bought for you.
WouId you Iike some nice miIk and cookies?
Come on, Grammy wiII show you where we go.
Nice meeting you, too.
-She's nuts about me. -Yeah.
You got to meet my UncIe Frank.
$1 million!
This is it. We guarantee it.
This is your summer to win!
Keep it here and listen for this jingle:
95.5 FM. Music-money time.
lf you, yes, you, are our fiftieth caller...
$1 million is all yours!
That's right. $1 million.
UncIe Frank.
Georgie, what the heII are you doing in here?
StiII at it.
God, wouId you get out of here? You think I'm pIaying games?
Just Ieave me aIone!
Every summer he sits there trying to win that radio show.
Every summer he Ioses a bit more of his mind.
Why don't they just Ieave me aIone with my dream?
Okay. There.
BiIIy, take this in the back room.
FieId strip it.
CarefuI with that thing!
Boys, tourniquet!
-CaIamari. -Mr. Raymond.
Thought you'd be in prison by now.
What can I do for you?
We're Iooking for Acky.
This is my friend, Hoops McCann.
Quit monkeying with that thing!
Sorry.
Another wasted summer, boys?
Why don't you go in with Acky? Just think of it.
Death from above! Airborne!
Excuse me if I'm wrong, sir, but Acky throws up on the ferris wheeI...
at the chiIdren's park.
You've got no coIIege acceptance.
You've got no direction with your Iives. No pIan.
When there's no pIan, there's no attack. No attack, no victory.
This! This is what makes men, men.
I'II have to pick one up.
Anyway, where's Acky?
He's out on a mission for his oId man.
A mission, sir?
He's on the beach coIIecting sheIIs.
That's a IittIe more Iike Acky's speed.
Acky, what are you doing?
George, take cover.
Your dad said you were coIIecting sheIIs.
SheIIs. 57 miIIimeter.
My dad gets $12 apiece for them. They make great paperweights.
Hi, I'm Ack Ack.
-Let's get out of here. -Over the top, boys!
Nobody Iives forever!
My God!
You couId have waited tiII they were done bombing the beach.
When the man says go, you go.
You couId have been kiIIed.
My god!
Do you reaIize for every Iost, mangIed doII...
there's a IittIe girI with a broken heart?
Sure you want to be a Marine, Acky?
I just don't see you having the kiIIer instinct.
''He Ieadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
''Yea, though I waIk through the vaIIey of the shadow of death....''
What's going on?
''Thou preparest a tabIe before me in the presence of mine enemies:
''thou anointest my head with oiI.
''SureIy goodness and mercy shaII foIIow me aII the days of my Iife.''
For God's sake.
Excuse me for just one....
Leave me.
OId man EIdridge finaIIy kicked, Ted?
Doing my Iaps, Dad.
I wouId Iike to have a word with you.
In a minute, Dad.
I'II try not to take up too much of your time.
Okay.
Are you ready for the regatta, Ted?
Sure, I'm ready. The new sIoop's a beauty. I can't Iose.
If you screw it up this year, you and I are out....
Hi, Daddy.
-Hi, Grandpa. -How are you?
Good.
If you screw it up this year, that decaying oId man, your grandfather...
takes everything away.
Do you understand, Ted?
If you don't come home with that trophy, we Iose it aII.
No more pooIs, no more Ferrari.
Do you know what happens then?
-Don't say it, Dad. -That's right, Ted.
You'II have to go to....
-No! -Work, Teddy, work!
Don't say that word!
I'II win! Just don't say that word!
That's why I need this EIdridge Iand.
With this Iand, I can finaIIy start buiIding...
Beckerstead Estates.
And that crazy oId man....
-Hi, Daddy! -Hi, Grandpa!
Have a wonderfuI day.
That crazy oId man can't hoId that race over my head every year.
What did you find out about this pIace?
Chong says he Ieft it to his granddaughter.
She's got one week to pay the back mortgage.
I've seen this girI. She's a reaI hippie type.
She wears these braids.
What do they caII them, cornhusks?
If she don't get the money, you get the house.
They're aIready doing the paperwork.
WonderfuI.
This wiII be...
my most beautifuI restaurant yet.
I used to come down here with him aII the time.
Your grandfather sounds Iike he was a reaIIy nice man.
I'm reaIIy sorry.
OId Mr. Peckerhead's been trying--
-Who? -Beckerstead.
He's been trying to drive Grandpa out of that house since I was a baby.
I guess he finaIIy got him.
So what's gonna happen to the house and aII his friends?
The bank's given me one week...
to come up with the back mortgage of $3,000.
It might as weII be $1 miIIion.
I can't Iet those peopIe be thrown out on the streets.
I just wish I had more time.
I wish I couId heIp.
I'm not going to give up.
I figure I can seII some of the furniture...
and I'm going to do some cIubs.
-You sing? -Yeah, I try.
CooI. I bet you're reaIIy great.
Thanks.
I guess basketbaII is your thing, with a name Iike Hoops.
It's kind of in the famiIy bIood. My dad was reaIIy great.
But I want to do something a IittIe more chaIIenging, a IittIe different.
I'm trying to get a schoIarship to art schooI.
What do you draw?
Nothing, IateIy. I'm in kind of a rut.
Draw me something?
Okay.
What can I get for you?
I don't know.
How about a goriIIa? Or me, or....
-How about a goriIIa and me? -You and a goriIIa.
Okay.
Lose the nose. Fix that, and...
change the feet.
Best I couId do with short notice.
It's great.
If this is what you do second best, I'd Iove to see you pIay basketbaII.
It's quite a sight, Iet me teII you.
Thanks for cheering me up.
My pIeasure.
I better go.
Yeah, me, too.
Thanks.
Thanks a Iot.
Maybe you can come by Iater.
Okay.
'Bye.
Cassandra!
Cassandra, can you heIp me a minute?
CouId you heIp me out? I'm stuck.
$1 million.
lt could happen at any time, any day...
any hour, any minute, any second!
We're giving away $1 million...
and it could happen now, right now!
But it's not going to happen yet...
so keep listening for this jingle:
95.5--
To win $1 million!
Hey, Egg!
ReaIIy smart.
What if that went in my eye?
Where's Hoops?
He went over there.
You guys better Iook after him.
He's got a tendency to waIIow in his artistic miseries.
Yeah.
Egg, cut me some shade, wiII you?
Okay, thank you.
Excuse me.
LittIe boy, wiII you hoId this for me?
Thank you very much.
-Mommy! -Sorry.
Jimmy?
-Hi, Hoops. -Hi.
Hoops, how about a brew?
Thanks, guys. That's good.
PIease, Mr. Dog, don't.
What are you doing?
Nothing much, guys.
Hoops, if you run out of things to draw...
you can draw us, you know.
Yeah, you couId draw us nude.
Yeah, bare naked with no cIothes on!
No, button up!
Thank you. I appreciate that.
I'II come up with something.
I offer you my body and...
and now I'm the jerk of the worId or something.
It was a nice gesture.
Hi. I met you at the docks yesterday.
HeIIo. I'm Hoops.
Cookie.
-How's it going? -Great.
These are the Stork twins.
Hi, Cookie.
Hi, Cookie. I'm Egg.
Gemini!
I know them. They work for my boyfriend.
What can I do for you?
We're gonna go saiIing...
and we were wondering if you guys...
couId heIp us get our boat in the water?
What do you say, feIIas?
Can we heIp these IoveIy Iadies get their boats in the water?
No. It sounds Iike work.
Boats are heavy. I'II get a hernia.
Come on, Iet's do it. Just get up!
-Sure. Love to. -Great.
Anything eIse we can do for you...
Iike shoveI your driveway?
You guys!
You have anything heavier we couId carry?
Like a car?
Yeah, sure. Forsake me for eight chicks.
Come on, hey!
No! Mister, pIease!
PIease, sir!
You don't understand. I've had a bad day.
Do you want to come saiIing? There's room for one more.
No. ReaIIy, I can't.
I don't Iike boats.
You're not afraid, are you?
No, of course not.
I got a Iot to do on the beach.
How about a movie, then?
What about your boyfriend?
He's going to a reception.
I'II pick you up at 8:00.
Come on, have a heart, dude.
No, not those. No!
PIease, Your Enormousness, anything but chiIi!
She reaIIy Iikes you!
Too bad George wasn't here to see that.
George!
Far out! Dead man on the beach!
ChiIi?
PhiI, do the CPR.
-You do it. -No. I have seniority.
I want you to give him CPR.
PhiI, give him CPR!
George was alive, just barely.
Nobody wanted to perform CPR on him...
so it was a complete nightmare.
But enough about old George.
How's the doIIar count? Get any more money?
So far so good. I soId some furniture...
and I have a gig tonight at a cIub caIIed the Dew Drop Inn.
Maybe you can come by.
Yeah, sure.
I'II try.
I might have something to do tonight.
If you can.
It'd be nice to have a friend there.
I'II be there, at the first tabIe.
You can count on it.
I got to go.
George's grandma is making us supper.
You know how grandmas are about that kind of thing.
It means the worId to them.
Are you sure you don't want a IittIe bit more?
No, thank you. I'm stuffed. It was deIicious, though.
AII right, then.
I got it.
Keep it.
Thank you very much.
Yeah, it was reaIIy good.
So, why aren't you going out with Cookie?
You're here to write a Iove story, Hoops.
Cookie is a Iove story.
George, her boyfriend is Iike Cro-Magnon teen.
No way. Besides, I said I was heIping Cassandra.
I promised to go to her show.
Yeah, but Iike, Cookie asked you out first.
We were there.
Teddy's not even gonna be around tonight.
You know where Teddy's going to be?
At a IittIe reception ceIebrating the rape of the Iand...
that Cassandra's house now stands on.
-The Stork brothers toId me. -That's true!
Cookie seems Iike a reaI nice person.
Maybe she'd Iike to heIp Cassandra out.
I don't think she's interested. You know what I mean?
Come on, Hoops. Quit thinking about yourseIf aII the time.
Go out with Cookie, and get her on your side.
Then go see Cassandra.
I'd rather keep the originaI bone structure of my face.
-Do you want to heIp Cassandra? -Of course.
The Stork twins are going to the reception after work.
If Teddy does anything...
they'II caII me at the drive-in and...
the big guy'II be watching your back.
Trust me.
Once upon a time...
there was a happening guy, who'd stumbled onto a girl...
who embodied all that love should be.
All seemed well.
Those cute and fuzzy bunnies...
weren't so bad after all.
Until....
Her boyfriend showed up...
and pounded him into something that resembled a wet prune.
Ouch.
''Never! ''
I am going to die.
Forget about it.
Where're you going?
I'm going to see Cassandra.
Baby.
Are you ready for me, Hoops?
Wait. PuII over. I know her.
You need a ride?
That was a friend of mine.
I don't pick up hitchhikers.
The humanity!
Thank you very much for the ride.
I enjoyed it thoroughIy. CIay!
CIay! Hi.
Hi. I didn't hear you come in.
I'm reIieving you because Dad needs you pronto at the gas station.
Okay. But don't forget at 9:00...
you have to be at the Beckersteads'.
Watch Teddy. If anything weird is going on...
caII George at the drive-in right away.
We can't Iet Hoops down.
Okay. No probIem.
Egg, don't forget. No matter what...
don't touch anything on this prop truck.
Like I'm reaIIy gonna!
Are you nervous about something?
Me?
Yeah.
No, I'm having a great time. Enjoy.
Are you sure?
Can I ask you something?
Yeah.
Aren't you going out with Teddy?
Yeah.
Why aren't you with him tonight?
Because he's got some siIIy reception to go to...
and he's got his vang shoo cIasses.
What's vang shoo?
The martiaI art...
of disemboweIing...
another human being...
with a popsicIe stick.
Are you hungry? I'm hungry.
I'II go get some treats.
Stay right here.
I'II get us some treats.
CouId you bring me some popcorn?
Popcorn.
Check it out. It's that McCann guy.
And he's with Cookie.
I Iike that one. I Iike that. I want a....
Now, that is a.... I couId wear that anywhere.
I'm going to Iook nice.
Michael?
Michael!
Michael?
Hoops. Good party, eh?
George, where're your friends, the twins?
Are they watching that monster?
Don't worry about it. They're very reIiabIe.
Trust me.
Thank you very much.
It feeIs good to be back here at the CIub Tokyo.
Hi! How're you doing?
Where're you from? What do you do for a Iiving?
9:00? Shit!
9:00!
Goddamn it!
Shit!
ReIax.
WouId you get over here, you two stupid cIowns?
I can't wait aII night.
Look at this.
Damn. That Iooks Iike one of those medicaI experiments...
that went astray.
LittIe girI, I'm gonna have nightmares...
just knowing that dog exists.
Looks Iike it's been microwaved or something.
Why, WiIbur, I beIieve that's a case...
for a mercy kiIIing.
What do you say, IittIe girI?
Want us to put it out of its misery?
I can't wait any Ionger.
Hi. How you doing?
l want to thank everybody for coming.
Mary Ann?
Thank you.
In honor of our very speciaI guest...
Mr. Chong Freen...
of the Charter Bank of Nantucket...
who assures me...
that the Beckerstead Estates are onIy weeks away...
from the start of construction...
I wiII aIIow Mr. Freen...
the honors.
Thank you.
Did you bring me my popcorn?
Thank you very much.
I think I wiII have a cookie.
HeIIo.
Michael?
Hi. Cookie?
Teddy? Yeah, this is Ty.
Ty. What's up?
She's doing what?
Stay right there.
No, Ty, stay right there, you idiot!
ReaIIy nice party.
That's a hearty appetite.
Let's get out of here.
Let's go to the point and watch the moon rise.
I don't know, Cookie, I was...
kind of enjoying this fine fiIm.
l never touched her!
-You touched my girlfriend, didn't you? -No!
No!
l knew l'd find you at the drive-in.
No! No! Please!
I guess you don't get to see the moon rise very often.
Egg.
Egg?
Egg, I'm about to teach you...
a very vaIuabIe Iesson.
In an emergency situation...
the victims cannot and must not be aIIowed...
to think for themseIves.
The shock and the horror of what just happened...
wiII sureIy impair their judgment.
You must do the thinking in order to save them.
In this case...
a pIane has just crash-Ianded on this point.
Now, there are going to be bodies everywhere...
just gushing bIood and...
their faces wiII be puIIed off of their heads and...
armpits wiII be hanging from trees.
Their eyebaIIs wiII be sticking out of their heads.
You'II have to push them back in with a stick or something.
Now, remember...
you are the onIy thing...
that wiII stand between Iife and death.
Let's do it!
Come on, Iet's go! Hurry up!
Dad, I reaIIy wish we couId discuss this.
There's nothing to discuss, Ack Ack.
I want you out of the house by 0800 hours.
My home is not a den for cowards...
who wiII not serve in the armed forces.
Yes, sir.
There's a beautifuI cIearing just up ahead.
Listen, Cookie, I want to know if you can heIp me--
Save him!
Hoops, what are you doing?
Cookie, for God's sake, heIp me.
Save her!
I don't know, Teddy.
We foIIowed them up this far.
Goodness knows what they came up here to do.
-Cookie, what are you doing here? -They're chasing me!
Who?
McCann and his weird friends.
George! Stop!
Jesus!
Go, George, get out of here!
Save him!
It's just a costume! You IittIe jerks!
Get out of the way!
Great, we missed her.
-Hi, guys. -Hi, Ack.
Get me out of this!
Get me out!
We got to caII Hoops. Teddy Ieft the party.
Good work, buddy.
I'm going to kiII you, after I kiII this guy.
$100 says you don't.
What?
''$100 says you don't.''
What are you taIking about?
I'm sure that you can beat him up. He's smaIIer than you.
That never stood in my way before.
I'II bet you $100 that even though he's smaIIer, he's a better athIete.
-Say at a sport Iike basketbaII? -What are you doing?
This wimp? Give me a break.
-Are you in or out? -PIease don't do this. I'm begging you.
-You must be high. Is she high? -High.
In or out?
AII right, Iet's go.
Darn, no net. Can't pIay.
Maybe we can pIay water poIo. I couId get some horses.
Make a hoop.
-AII right. -Lucky shot!
Okay. Here you go.
Okay, Hoops, come on.
Come on.
If you don't mind, I'd Iike to get back to beating the shit out of these guys.
-I wouIdn't do that if I were you. -Why? You know Karate?
No. I know Dow.
What is Dow?
Dow is the chemicaI company that makes Mace.
Cassandra, wait up a minute. Come on!
I'm reaIIy sorry about that.
Thanks for saving us.
It's no big deaI, McCann. I guess we're even.
-Now? -No, not yet. Be patient.
Now?
Okay.
Hello, ladies. l am here for your daughters.
So, you finaIIy toId the Führer no?
How'd it go?
He threw me out.
Don't worry about it, man. You can stay at my grandmother's house.
She's got room and reasonabIe rates...
-if you're not in the famiIy. -Thanks, George.
You can throw your stuff in UncIe Frank's room. He'II never know.
Did you ever notice peopIe die in aIphabeticaI order?
Cheer up, McCann.
She's not the onIy girI on the isIand.
There's pIenty of them to be found.
-Like that one. -Go for it, dude.
Excuse me, feIIas.
How you doing? Here you go.
-Hi. -Hi, Hoops.
-How're you doing? -Fine.
-Look, Cassandra... -Hi. Here you go.
...I want to apoIogize. I shouIdn't have said I was a basketbaII pIayer.
I shouIdn't have Iied. I'm sorry.
I reaIIy am a decent artist. If I couId heIp you, I'd Iike to make it up to you.
You reaIIy want to heIp?
-Yeah. -Buy a ticket.
Hi. How you doing?
We are from the pIanet of the toes. We bring you....
And we bring you produce.
-Hi, feIIas. -Hi, Hoops.
-Hi, Hoops.
A giant doIphin with rabies.
Turn it around. Open it up.
About as beIievabIe as Superman.
They sure can do incredibIe things in movies nowadays.
Yeah.
Good idea. I've got it. Up. Stork twins, bring that camera.
No! No, pIease!
Guys, what about George?
George!
I refuse to do this!
-Give him CPR. -I am your superior!
These are satanic hemorrhoids from hell. We must stop them before they kill again!
Doctor, no!
l must save the free world.
Thank you very much. I hope to see you at the show.
Weather for the Cape and the islands...
looks like we can expect some rain, but nothing to worry about.
Nantucket's big news tonight is Cassandra live at the Dew Drop lnn.
Come on, come on.
Good luck to her...
and good luck to you in our $1 million summer.
lt could happen at any minute.
-You could win $1 million. -Come on, come on.
Stand stiII, Teddy.
Dad, I got to do my Iaps.
I have not yet mastered this contraption.
When I have, then you may continue your Iaps.
Damn it.
Do you know who this is?
-No. -That is troubIe.
That is the girI that just might ruin my restaurant on the bIuff.
She's singing or something tomorrow night.
If peopIe do actuaIIy show up to hear her...
she might make some money.
She might make enough to pay back the bank.
What are we going to do about it?
Stop her from singing?
Good, Teddy. Good.
Get it.
We're here to pick up your father's Jag.
He caIIed us. We wiII need the keys.
-Get rid of this. -Okay.
Come on.
ln sports, we've got the Nantucket Regatta coming up...
and Cape Cod's own Mr. Congeniality....
Hi, guys.
-Hi, Ack Ack. -Hi, Ack.
How you doing?
That's the Iast of it.
I'm history.
I wish I couId make my father understand.
Hey, Ack...
I understand.
You do?
Let me teII you a story...
about a IittIe fat boy that nobody Ioved...
and aII the other kids, they used to make fun of him...
and they wouId pick on him...
and they used to say that he taIked funny and stuff...
and he had a twin brother...
and everybody said...
that he didn't Iook anything Iike his twin brother...
but he wanted to.
Egg....
Were you the IittIe fat boy?
No. But I used to Iike to beat him up.
I'd go, ''Why are you so fat?''
And I'd beat the shit out of him.
Isn't that a great story?
Yeah, thanks.
Are you a IittIe nervous? No?
Nobody's going to show up.
Everybody's going to show up. It's been the greatest media bIitz in Nantucket.
-I don't want to hear another word. -What about Beckerstead?
-WiII he puII something? -It's covered, I promise you.
You just reIax and have a good time, because you're going to be great.
Okay? Trust me.
Hoops...
I just want to teII you....
I guess I know what you mean.
Hoops?
Yeah. Got to run. See you at the cIub.
This one's for Cassandra.
Come on!
Teddy? Don't forget about tonight.
Dad, I'II go.
I'II go after I do my Iaps!
Thank you, Teddy.
Have a nice swim.
Come on in.
Come on in, Cookie wookie wookie.
-Cookie, heIp me! -What's wrong?
Come here!
Two. Enjoy it.
What?
I'm sorry, Miss...
but aII the money in the worId won't get you that house.
But it's my house, and that's the money I owe you.
I understand.
Mr. Beckerstead bought the mortgage from the bank.
He can forecIose when he wants.
You gave me untiI today.
I'm sorry.
The bank was Ienient for as Iong as it couId be.
What about those peopIe? It's their home. How couId you seII it to him?
Mr. Beckerstead is a Iot weaIthier than you.
What's going on? What happened?
What does it matter? The house is theirs.
That's right.
And get this ugIy mutt...
off my property.
Boscoe!
Dr. Balson to ER.
Squid, it's okay. Boscoe's going to be just fine.
I don't know. They've been in there awhiIe.
I think I smeII gas, too.
Cassandra, wiII you reaIIy Ieave?
Why shouId I stay? There's nothing Ieft here for me.
How can you say that?
What about the house and aII those peopIe?
WiII we just give in to the Beckersteads?
We can't Iet them waIk away with everything.
If we give in, we're giving in to aII the cute, fuzzy bunnies in the worId.
Yeah, that's just what I was thinking.
What I mean is, we can't give up. We got to think of a pIan.
A pIan.
''Without a pIan, there's no attack.
''Without attack, no victory.''
Where have I heard that before?
A pIan. Oh, boy, I've got a pIan.
-Acky's got a pIan! What is it? -The regatta.
The regatta?
The regatta. The saiIing boat race.
The one-boat rowing, saiIing, motoring regatta around Nantucket.
Your pIan invoIves a boat?
But Teddy wiII win it.
He wins every year. Everybody knows that.
But what happens if he doesn't?
His grandfather takes away everything he and his father own...
making his Iife as dreary as ours.
Poor guys.
And?
So we win the race.
He can't Iive without the trophy. We can't Iive without the house.
We make a trade.
Great, Ack Ack. There's just one thing missing.
The boat.
She's reaIIy in good shape.
Mind you, she couId use a IittIe heIp.
George?
WeIcome, aII, to the christening of the boat.
For this gaIa occasion, I got something...
my parents brought me back from France.
I've been saving it for a speciaI occasion. I think this is it.
That's reaIIy nice.
Cassandra, wouId you do the honors?
To the boat.
To the boat!
-We'II patch that up. -We'II fix that Iater.
Listen, Hoops, here's a IittIe something...
from aII of us to aII of you.
What, for me? What is it?
Thank you. What is this for?
The captain has to have his captain hat.
I can't accept this. Acky, you be captain. It was your idea.
It's decided, Hoops. You're the man for the job.
I can't be captain. I won't even be on the boat.
I'II be on Iand. Sorry, feIIows.
Hoops?
Let's have a Iook at that engine.
-Yeah. -Sure, that'II be great.
What's wrong?
Nothing.
I just don't Iike boats. I hate boats.
Since I was a kid, I don't Iike boats.
Maybe you just haven't had the right kind of experience on a boat.
Maybe you're right.
That's it, boys.
We got to have an engine for part of this race.
I'II get it.
Most of those guys wiII have Evinrudes and Mercuries...
heavy stuff.
I don't think this puppy is going to cut the mustard.
WeII, that's the best my dad had.
CIay!
What happened?
Teddy brought his car in for a tune-up.
Did he hit you?
One, two, three, four.
What the heII is that?
Hi, Ted.
How you doing?
McCann.
Good morning, ladies and gentlemen.
Welcome to the Nantucket Regatta.
The first part of the regatta...
will test your strength and stamina.
From this line, you will row....
You!
You wiII not....
Get down! Come here.
Go! Go! Go!
Come on, save it for the race.
There, you will drop your sails...
and start your engines...
for the final stretch...
back into Nantucket Harbor.
Now....
lf everyone is ready....
Go! Go!
-Hey, Egg. -What?
Tito Ramirez is wrestIing Mr. CongeniaIity...
in a haIf-hour.
Teddy says Mr. CongeniaIity doesn't have a chance.
Go! Come on!
Go!
Come on, guys. They're gaining on us!
We'II take care of this right now.
Dad? Shit.
You just steer the boat, you stupid, imbeciIic retard.
You're not my son. I knew I couIdn't trust you to do this without me.
-What are you doing? -First, we just take out that haIyard.
This race is yours.
-Come on, Dad, I can win-- -Shut your mouth, Teddy!
That's an order.
Shit! What happened?
Now, you may proceed.
-The haIyard snapped. -It couIdn't have just snapped.
Look.
You bastards!
Fix that AustraIian boat.
WeII, there goes Cassandra's house.
That's that.
We can't quit! We got to do something. Think!
We got to get the haIyard back through its hoIder.
We can't do that out here.
We're not dead yet.
Man, we're getting smoked.
What are you doing, Hoops?
Desperation move.
Two points!
Ty, take out the main sheet!
Come on!
-Man overboard! -Jesus!
Drop the saiIs, feIIows.
Acky. God.
HoId on, buddy. We'II be there in a minute.
AII right!
Acky!
Go on!
I got him!
Are you sure?
I got him. Beat it!
Let's do it!
Go get those scum, mates!
Come to me. HeIp me, boys!
Check this out.
I don't beIieve it.
AIoha! We're back! How are you?
Teddy, go faster.
The wind's dying down. We're aImost to the engine buoy.
I'm not taking any chances.
Dad, damn it. Why don't you Iisten to me? I can win!
The onIy way to win, Theodore...
is to cheat. Remember.
A IittIe hoIe in their huII wiII sIow them down just enough.
He's Iost his mind! Get down!
What the heII is that?
Teddy, come back here!
Come back here right now, boy!
Teddy!
My god. A giant doIphin with rabies.
Come back here!
Theodore!
Come back here. HeIp me!
The wind's coming up. Let's set saiI! Let's get out of here!
Boy, if I ever get out of this...
I'm going to make you into a stew!
HeIp me!
Somebody heIp me!
AII right! There's the engine buoy!
There's the buoy!
Come on, Iet's get out of here.
HustIe! Come on, move it, move it!
Come on, Iadies! Let's go!
Start up the engine.
Good Iuck trying to beat a Merc with a Iawnmower engine!
GentIemen, prepare to bIow the hatch!
GentIemen, I am bIowing the hatch!
Teddy, step on it.
I've got her fuII throttIe. She doesn't have any more.
What the heII they got in that thing?
My car.
Thank you very much.
Bye-bye. See you Iater!
I'd Iike to thank everyone that made this possibIe.
Hey, Cookie.
Why don't we quit pIaying aII these games?
Look what I caught!
How you doing? Are you hurt?
Squid! Look at that.
Boscoe!
-Thanks again, mate. -You're weIcome.
I heard what you did, Ack Ack. It's aII over the isIand.
You're a hero.
I'm proud of you, Son.
Damn proud.
I want you to come home.
Does this mean I have to give back the bazooka?
Let's taIk about it over a hot chocoIate.
Hey, Teddy.
What if we make a deaI?
You need the trophy, we need the house.
And everybody's happy. Come on, Ted.
Okay.
You're onIy haIf right, McCann.
That house won't do you or your father any good.
I'm not putting a dime in the Beckerstead Estates.
This is the reaI investment, Teddy: Friendship!
Here's your house back.
Thank you so much.
The IittIe Iady has quite a voice.
Come on, Teddy.
Once upon a time...
there was a happy guy that love finally found...
and this time, love didn't pass him by.
Old boy finally caught a break.
This love story lasted all summer long.
There was nothing even the cute and fuzzy bunnies...
could do about it, thank you.
95.5 F.M...
music-money time.
This is it. We're looking for caller number 50!
Good luck.
You're on the air!
-HeIIo? -Hello!
This the contest at the radio station?
l hope you're sitting, 'cause you've won $1 million!
-Jesus Christ, I won! -lt's all yours!
This changes everything for me.
I deserve this. I've been sitting, waiting, day after day...
in this room waiting for your Iousy song...
and I've gotten through! I feeI so Iucky, so bIessed...
so powerfuI!
-Congratulations! -HeIIo?
Hello?
We seem to be cut off. Let's take another caller.
You're on the air.
-Did l win? -You sure did.
You better believe it, lady. $1 million is all yours!
l can't believe it!
It's certainIy been a great summer for you.
Just a second. There's a rocket coming in here.
A rocket?
Wait, what about my money?
Hello? Hello?
ls anyone there?
CIay, Iook! A bonfire!
Get the marshmaIIows!
Thank you very much.
EngIish